


I love the world but I just don't love the way it makes me feel

by Kasuna_Kotonoha



Series: One more time gotta start all over [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Death Day, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Other, Paralysis, Reincarnation, stroke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 04:48:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26467477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kasuna_Kotonoha/pseuds/Kasuna_Kotonoha
Summary: It’s a strange thing to relive your deathDeath days vary for people. Some, like Peggy, Lafayette, Angelica, all those who died relatively peacefully and painlessly, have it easy.Others, like himself, Laurens, Theodosia, and Alexander (and the thought feels like a thorny vine curling around his heart. Grief and guilt are much more similar than people realize) have it a little bit harder.Aaron would like to say he’s gotten used to it by now. This certainly isn’t his first death day, and probably not his last either.He hasn'tORA fic posted in honor of the day Aaron Burr Jr died. I've been toying with this idea for awhile now, so here you go.
Relationships: Aaron Burr & Alexander Hamilton, Aaron Burr/Theodosia Prevost Burr
Series: One more time gotta start all over [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1903813
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	I love the world but I just don't love the way it makes me feel

It’s September 12th and Aaron is preparing. He’s not going on a trip, or anything like that. No, it’s something much different. 

He’s called into both the school and his part-time job that he’ll be gone the next two days. His assignments are either ready to turn in or at a good stopping point, though he’ll do at least a little bit tomorrow, while he’s able.

He tries, and is mostly successful, in ignoring why he’s doing all this.

September 14th, 1836. Staten Island, New York. 

Aaron doesn’t think he’ll ever forget that date, or place.

The world won’t let him.

It’s a strange thing to relive your death

Death days vary for people. Some, like Peggy, Lafayette, Angelica, all those who died relatively peacefully and painlessly, have it easy. 

Others, like himself, Laurens, Theodosia, and Alexander (and the thought feels like a thorny vine curling around his heart. Grief and guilt are much more similar than people realize) have it a little bit harder.

Aaron would like to say he’s gotten used to it by now. This certainly isn’t his first death day, and probably not his last either. 

(He hasn’t. Not really.)

The next day, Alex keeps glancing at him from his side of the room, and Aaron wishes he’d stop. He doesn’t need his pity, or sympathy, and he certainly doesn’t deserve it.

He’s mostly fine the day before. No one comments if he needs to have something repeated occasionally, or the fact that he's wearing his glasses today. Not that he’s really going out anyway, but you know.

The day is spend burried in his dorm doing schoolwork. He double and triple checks essays until they’re as close to perfect as they get. It’s not really healthy, ignoring his problems like this, but he’s never been one to confront problems head-on.

He doesn’t sleep much that night. Usually, he’s the one who forces Hamilton to stop what he’s doing and sleep, but not today. He hopes he’ll be able to sleep through at least some of what's to come this way.

When morning comes, paralysis has already started setting in. He awkwardly shuffles over to his fridge and forces himself to eat and drink something at least a little substantial. By the time he’s done, his left leg and arm are basically useless,. He’s on his own, though, as Alex is nowhere to be seen.

His sight isn’t great either, and he can’t hear the sound of mid-morning traffic like he would on any other day.

He sighs, settling himself on his bed as comfortably as possible, and waits. 

He remembers the first time this happened, after he’d gotten his revelation. 

_ “And that’s what a death day is,” Alex proclaimed, far too enthusiastically for someone who was talking about dying. _

_ Aaron frowned. “That doesn’t sound very fun.” _

_ “No, not really.” Alex agrees. “But hey, you don’t have to go to school or work or anything like that, because the government says those are sanctioned off days.” _

_ Aaron nods and that’s the end of that. He doesn’t ask how Alex knows that. _

_ A few months later, Aaron’s birthday rolls around. He wakes that night in a cold sweat. _

_ He doesn’t know what to expect when that first September 14th comes around. It’s scary, losing the ability to move, talk, or anything that isn’t just laying there on his bed.  _

_ Later, after it’s passed, he, Alex, and Laf curl up on the couch and watch Inside Out. Aaron is worn out, mentally mostly, but he’s also a little stiff from having not moved, like, at all, all day. _

It’s still scary, he thinks, as the world becomes faded and quiet around him. He closes his eyes and thinks he hears voices, somewhere far off in the distance, but he figures he must be hearing things.

Last time, he could have sworn he heard his Theodosia’s, even though they were both long gone.

He can’t move anything, or hear or see very well either, but that’s not even the worst part about reliving his death by stroke. 

The worst part is that, unlike last time where his brain had become addled, his brain remains fully functional. He can’t do anything except think (and breathe, but that's a moot point) and think he does, and it’s not very good for his mental health.

He has a tendency towards self-deprecating thoughts on the best of days, and this is a far cry from that. He can’t talk to anyone or do anything, so it’s just him and his thoughts until it’s over. 

He’s tried describing it to Laf and Alex, but neither of them really can understand. It’s hard to imagine being physically incapable of moving. His limbs just...don't do anything, like he’s an amputee trying to move an appendage that just isn’t there.

He drifts off to sleep, and he hopes it’s long enough to get him over the hill of this.

***

Alex is the first to find Aaron. He hadn’t seen him all day, well, unless you counted that morning, but Aaron had been asleep then.

When he gets back from afternoon classes, even though it’s only like two in the afternoon, Aaron is still asleep, but Alex knows that’s not quite the case. Aaron had definitely woken up at some point, to eat and drink and go to the bathroom, probably, before settling in for the rest of the day. 

He sighs, making a note to get Theo over here later, and maybe Laf as well, and to tell one of them to bring dinner. 

Maybe two to three hours later, Theo and Laf arrive, laden down with takeout from Red Lobster.

Theodosia’s brow is creased with concern, but whether it’s because she knows what day it is, or the fact that she doesn’t, Alex isn’t sure.

Aaron had already begun to stir about an hour earlier, and was now sitting up in his bed, having regained most of his motor functions. He still seemed kind of out of it, but perked up when he saw his girlfriend.

“We brought Red Lobster,  _ mes amis, _ ” Laf says, in a voice that’s maybe a tad too perky, but Aaron doesn’t seem to care.

Aaron smiles as Theo plops herself next to him, kissing him on the cheek before handing him his food and drink before grabbing her own.

“How are you feeling,” she asks gently. 

Aaron is silent for a moment, and Alex wonders if his vocal cords aren’t working yet.

“Ok, I guess. I mean, what do you expect, really.”

Thought Aaron makes it seem like not a big deal, Alex knows better. Aaron’s death day can cause him to be detached for several days after, though he and Laf brought that number down quite a bit, and with everyone else here, most importantly Theodosia, Alex has hope Aaron will be (almost) right as rain by tomorrow.

Laf breaks the silence brought on by eating with a story of how one of their Econ classmates got absolutely destroyed by Alex that day, some kid named Sam Sullivan.

It’s a funny story, and Aaron and Theo have to set their food aside so they don’t spill it because they’re laughing so hard. 

He may be stiff and mentally exhausted, but as Theo makes a comment that has everyone laughing again, he has to smile.

At least he’s not alone this time.

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? Are there people whos death days you'd like to see?


End file.
